Consent isn't just a simple "yes." In BDSM, it's a detailed process of communication called negotiation. A negotiation should happen *before* a scene begins, when all participants are calm, clear-headed, and out of "play mode."
What to Discuss in a Negotiation
A good negotiation is a blueprint for the scene. It ensures everyone is on the same page and feels respected. Key topics include:
- Activities: What specific acts are you interested in? What do you want to do? What do you want done to you?
- Limits (Hard & Soft): This is the most critical part of a negotiation.
- Aftercare: What does each person need *after* the scene to feel safe, cared for, and grounded? (e.g., cuddling, water, reassurance).
- Health & Safety: Any physical limitations, allergies, medical conditions, or mental health triggers that your partner(s) should be aware of.
- Safe Words: Agreeing on the specific safe words or signals that will be used.
Understanding Limits
Limits are the boundaries that make enthusiastic consent possible. They are typically broken into three categories:
- Hard Limits: These are non-negotiable "no" items. They are completely off the table, and a good partner will never try to push or test them. (e.g., "No blood play," "No permanent marks," "No name-calling.")
- Soft Limits: These are "proceed with caution" items. A person may be hesitant about them, or willing to try them under specific circumstances. They often require a check-in during the scene. (e.g., "Spanking is a soft limit; I might like it, but we need to start slow.")
- Desires/Enthusiastic Yes: These are the things you actively want to do and are excited about. This is the goal!